


Never and Always

by Ladyhawk_lhflu



Series: The Bond [3]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-07
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 01:56:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3272525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladyhawk_lhflu/pseuds/Ladyhawk_lhflu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 3 of The Bond. The younger Spock doesn't find bonding with his captain any easier than his elder counterpart did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never and Always

**Author's Note:**

> This series is swinging into the new movie universe. It swings out of canon a bit (but not too much, I think), and is not meant to go much beyond the 1st movie.

\----------

Nyota, I...wish to apologize. I need to tell you that I regret my role in the events that transpired in the past few weeks. But mostly I regret that I did not inform you of the reasons for the changes that took place. For if I had, I might have spared you some pain.

First, however, I believe we must 'clear the air' about what happened that night we chose to bond.

Nyota, my friend, it was not your fault. It was mine.

I made my decision as we helped with the building of the New Vulcan colony. It was a time that could be easily used to familiarize oneself with the ship's crew and our new captain took full advantage of it.

He knew that the audacity he had shown while we battled the Narada had frightened some of the crew members and gave rise to caution in others, particularly myself. So he sought to put us at ease, mainly by standing back and letting each of us show our skills. With the pressure of the battle finally gone, everyone handled themselves with the appropriate decorum and enthusiasm for their work. I was pleased to see the captain do the same.

Though I knew he was studying personnel files and looking at my notes concerning crew assignments during this time, I was still startled when he mentioned your name.

'I don't want you to take this the wrong way, Spock. I have no desire to interfere with your relationships, but I need to know something.' Jim looked at me with a patience I was only beginning to realize was a part of his character. It was a part he had kept well-hidden up to this point.

I stood quietly, waiting for him to continue.

The captain took a deep breath, then asked, 'How serious are you and Lieutenant Uhura?'

As he saw my eyebrow rise, he waved his hand to ward off my anger. 'I'm asking as your captain here, because I just had an interesting discussion with somebody about Vulcan mating practices.'

'What did this person tell you?' I asked curiously. Very few Vulcans spoke about our courtships. That led me to speculate that he may have spoken to one particular Vulcan.

However, the captain did not reveal the person's identity. He instead gave me much needed proof of his competence as a leader. 'Only that to marry, you would need to have a mental bond with her. I figured I'd have to know if you did bond with Nyota, in case either of you were compromised on a mission.'

'That is logical,' I acknowledged. 'Although it is not typical for a Vulcan to divulge the state of one's relationship with another, I will say this: I am not bonded to Lieutenant Uhura as of yet, but I intend to ask for her permission in the near future.'

The captain smiled and slapped me on the back, in that rather odd way human males show affection. 'Well, then, congratulations. I know she'll say yes. Who would turn you down?'

'We may not be compatible...' I do not know why I felt the need to give him more information. However, I forced myself to stop after those few words. It was impolite and unnecessary, or so I believed at the time.

'You looked pretty compatible in all the corners I caught you two kissing in.' The captain laughed. 'I'll be expecting an invitation to the wedding, okay?' He then moved away and waved to Mr. Scott before I could say anything more.

That conversation prompted me to accelerate the timetable I had set forth for our relationship. The day before the Enterprise's relief ship was to arrive at New Vulcan, I made my decision. I would ask to bond with you that day.

I do not want to cause you pain with my remembrances, but I believe I owe you my point of view on the events that took place that day. It may help you understand my actions later.

I thought it best to wait until the afternoon construction shift was completed, as you were helping my father set up the communications equipment in the meeting hall. As I waited in the lobby for you, I was glad that you were one of the last to leave. It insured I could speak to you without an audience.

I found myself more nervous than I had been facing the heads of the Vulcan Science Academy, but I was able to compose myself by the time you approached me.

'Lieutenant, I would like to speak with you,' I said softly as you walked into the lobby.

Your demeanor was appropriately professional when you replied, 'Yes, sir.'

However, I am afraid mine was not when I asked you to join me in my quarters. I was unusually worried about the possible outcomes of our discussion. 

Your face showed signs of startlement at my request before you agreed. Your expression led me to the realization that you had not adjusted to the public knowledge of our relationship any more than I had.

So I attempted to calm you by telling you of the progress at the outskirts of the colony, where I had been helping with the power relays. I believe I was successful, as you seemed more composed when we entered my quarters in Sarek's dwelling.

As you told me earlier that 'small talk' was not necessary between us, once my door was closed, I immediately attempted to phrase my desire in an appropriate way.

'Nyota, I would like...' I sighed and started again, as the sentence I had in my mind seemed too Vulcan. I wanted to afford you the comfort of familiarity, of Earth. So I took your hands in mine. 'Will you bond with me?'

You were at a loss for words for a moment. I understood your surprise at my request. We had spoken of bonding before, but as something that we would do at a later time, after we had both had become adjusted to our crew assignments. 

However, I was surprised to hear you question my decision. 'Why now, Spock?'

'It is appropriate. We have both began our adjustment to our positions. Because our crew is composed of mostly newly-commissioned cadets, we will be allowed relatively easy duties for some time. I expect we will be bringing supplies here for a few months. We will then have further time to adjust to the bond.'

I believe you understood my logic. Your smile encouraged me, as did your reply. 'Tell me what this involves, then.'

I watched your face as I explained the ritual steps of the bond: first, the preliminary joining, which would plant the seed of the bond and make sure of compatibility; then, the family rituals, exchanges of favors by the families as signs of acceptance of the bond; then the Kal-i-fee, the calling of the bonded mates in the time of pon farr. 

My assurances that we could complete the bond before my first pon farr seemed to ease your mind. I fear that part of the Vulcan mating cycle is frightening for non-Vulcans, especially humans, for we possess a strength that could kill easily if not controlled. With the bond completed before pon farr, I could see no danger to you. You could retain enough control to keep me from harming you.

Then you questioned me on my first bonding, for I had told you earlier that Vulcans receive their preliminary bond as children to help control the dangers of pon farr. I prefer not to remember T'Pring and the insult her family gave to mine. However, you were entitled to the facts of my past, as my intention was that you would be my future.

I did not expect your anger at the rejection of the bond by T'Pring's father. The bond had barely been completed when it was ripped away from us by the Elder watching over the proceedings. S'rev had found the bond weak and had blamed it on my human genes. Mother had been outraged, but I remember Sarek being resigned. He had predicted this difficulty earlier that day.

Your outrage reminded me of Mother's. In a way, I found it comforting. You both regarded me well enough to grant me your protection. I attempted to show my appreciation to you, but I fear I failed. Your response to my bow confused me. Why should you have to lock yourself away before seeing S'rev in the streets of New Shikahr?

You would give him a 'piece of your mind' if you saw him? That is very similar to what...No, I shall save that for its proper place. You are entitled to a complete understanding, and that is best achieved by keeping to the correct chronology.

I found our discussion of mating rituals enlightening, as it gave me a human viewpoint that was not my mother's. She was quite willing to immerse herself in the Vulcan way of life. Therefore, it did not occur to me that I would have to conform to Earth rituals if I married you.

But we were of like enough mind that we were able to agree to adhere mainly to Vulcan ritual and observe those of your own that you deemed most important: petitioning for your family's approval and the ritual exchange of gifts between myself and your family. It was most logical to appease your parents and siblings because we would need their support in such a marriage.

After our discussion, I concluded that the present was an adequate time to start the preliminary bond. You honored me when you agreed. So I moved us to the lounge chair a generous Earth supplier had donated to the colony. I knew if the body was comfortable, the meld would feel less intrusive.

Something did not feel right when I placed my fingers on the meld points of your face. But I attributed it to the nervousness I could see in you, so I proceeded. I should have stopped when I felt the wrongness. For after the first opening of your mind to me, the meld almost became destructive.

It was my mind that resisted, not yours. When I tried to lay the foundation for the bond, a barrier appeared between my mind and that foundation. It was as if my mind cut off that part of itself that the bond would be attached to. 

I should have recognized the signs of incompatibility that the Elders had warned me about, but my focus would not allow me to. I truly wanted us to be joined, but it was not to be.

My repeated attempts at anchoring the bond to our minds began to cause you pain. I did not realize the damage I was creating until you cried out. When your shout reached my ears, it shocked me so much that I immediately ended the meld and moved back. 

'Nyota...I apologize. I did not expect this difficulty.' I picked up my tricorder to scan you, for I was concerned that I might need to find a healer for you.

But you stopped my scans. 'I think I'll be fine. I just need a few minutes. What happened?'

'The preliminary bond will not form. It seems we are incompatible.' I bowed my head in regret.

'Oh.' I could see your sadness. It strengthened my sense of regret, but I could see no way past this difficulty.

'I am sorry, Nyota.' I took your hands in mine. Your touch suddenly was not as soothing as it was earlier. This puzzled me, but I held back my observation. It would not help you through this.

'So that's it, then?' you asked.

I shook my head. 'I will ask the Elders for advice. Perhaps my hybrid status makes bonding difficult.'

You held up your hands in negation. 'Something isn't right. Even I can feel it.' 

'Please, Nyota. I must. Let me speak to the Elders.' I did not want to leave you like this. You had come to mean much to me.

After a few moments, your eyes reflected your acquiescence. 'Ok. Ok, go then. I'll...check on how Sulu's doing with the defense perimeter.' You moved away from me, and your movements gave off signs of frustration. Frustration with me? I didn't understand why that would be so.

I did not think of that. I am sorry. Yes, Mother would have attempted to comfort me in such a situation. I should have made the allowance for you.

When we parted ways, I was determined to find a way to bond us, so I hurried to the Hall of Elders. On the way there, I crossed paths with the captain.

'Hey, Spock. Where are you going in such a hurry?' He smiled at me, trying to be friendly.

'To the Hall of Elders. I must speak with them about a personal difficulty.' I backed away from the captain, as I did not want to be distracted from my task.

However, to get to wherever he was going, the captain needed to walk past me. He took advantage of his stride to pat me on the shoulder as he walked past me. 'Good luck. I hope it's nothing serious.'

That was a pivotal moment for me. For at his touch, I felt the first stirrings of pon farr within me.

\-------------  
end part 1  
\-------------

My reaction to the captain's touch and the sudden surge in hormones it produced distracted me so greatly that I was forced to stop walking and lean against the wall of the Hall of Elders in an attempt to regain control of my body. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the appropriate meditation exercise. However, I had meditated for only a few moments when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I opened my eyes to regard the face of the Elder who shares my name, the Vulcan that Nero had called for. Yes, he is indeed the older version of myself, from the universe in which Nero's Romulus was destroyed. The Elder is unlike any Vulcan I know, including myself. He has a comfort with his emotional being that is unseen in any other. I believe it was that comfort that brought him to me. For when I looked up, concern for my welfare was apparent on his face. 'What is it?'

I shook my head to ward off his questions. I could not break tradition and discuss my mating cycle. It was most often futile to ask questions concerning it in Vulcan society. The questions were often ignored due to the taboo. The Elder, however, would not be thwarted. He asked about my welfare once again.

'I am not them, young one.' He waved his hand to indicate the Vulcans walking by. 'I am you. I may be able to help you in ways they cannot.'

I contemplated this for a moment before indicating the Elder should follow me inside the building. I needed advice, and he was correct. He was the one most qualified to give it to me.

The Elder guided me to a small meeting room and closed the door.

I took a deep breath as I prepared to break one of the most stringent rules in our society. I convinced myself that my choice was logical. I was unique, therefore I needed the point of view of the only other being that shared my biology...as well as my past. So, with only mild reluctance, I revealed the source of my distress. 'It is pon farr.'

'Already? I did not experience it for another five years.' The Elder's expression remained open, accepting. He radiated curiosity instead of the reluctance I would have most likely seen from other Vulcans. Therefore, I explained my relationship with you and told him the result of my attempt at a preliminary bond. He raised an eyebrow as I gave details of the difficulties, but did not comment until I had finished.

'An uncompleted bond would make you vulnerable to overtures from someone your mind sees as compatible, and could initiate pon farr,' the Elder reasoned. 

'He simply touched me.' I could not hide from my voice that emotion that Mother used to call 'petulance'. My logical mind would not accept the implications of what had just happened.

'He?' the Elder asked quietly.

'The captain.' I did not attempt to hide my distaste at the thought of being bonded to such an illogical being.

The Elder laughed softly. 'So it has begun.'

I looked at him in amazement. I was not expecting that reaction. 'What has begun?'

'For you, a decision. You must decide between them,' he said calmly. 'You have a dilemma that I did not. I had only the choice of accepting or not accepting the bondmate before me.' He paused for a moment, then continued. 'Perhaps...perhaps time will allow you and Lieutenant Uhura to become more compatible, if you wish to pursue that possibility.'

'But you do not believe it is likely,' I surmised, studying his face.

'I do not.' The Elder shook his head. 'My past suggests a different course.'

'You were bonded to your captain,' I concluded from his response to my distaste.

'I *am* bonded to him.' My elder self sighed. I was surprised to see pain in his eyes.

'He is still alive?' I asked curiously. 'It is not typical of humans to--'

'He is not a typical human!' he snapped in sudden anger, then sighed again. 'I apologize. I worry about him, perhaps too much. It tends to bring out my human side.'

'Then I should not have--'

'No. No. You are in need of advice. I would be remiss if I did not give it to you.' The Elder smiled. 'Please sit.' He waved toward a chair. 'I would like to tell you about that part of my life.'

I sat down. 'Why?' I was curious as to why he would divulge an aspect of life we were taught should not be discussed with anyone.

'For it is obvious you are conflicted. Perhaps my story will be of benefit to you in deciding the proper course of action.' He stood behind me and laid a hand on my shoulder. The touch strangely put me at ease. Therefore, I was less reticent when he continued.

'May I begin by asking a personal question?'

'Yes.' I saw no reason to deny him. 

The Elder walked around me and sat in a chair opposite mine, relaxing into it completely, in a way I have not seen any Vulcan do before. 'What is your relationship with your captain?'

Strong negative emotions flowed through me, but I controlled them. 'It began as adversarial. The captain is a most persistent human, and has a great tendency to ignore rules of conduct.'

He smiled at this, as if remembering such things, then his expression reflected caution. 'And now?' He gazed at me intently.

I had to pause to reflect. What we were becoming was difficult to describe. 'We are...friendly. He oversteps the bounds of professionalism most days. To maintain the truce between us, I am attempting to do the same. We have been talking of our respective homes and our memories of childhood.'

The Elder nodded approvingly. 'A beginning.'

'But what will it begin?' I could not hide my confusion. 'This is a most difficult situation.'

'You must make a choice before you know what will be created from your overtures.' The Elder leaned forward intently. 'I am gratified that you are making choices that I could not at your age, young one...'

My elder self then relayed the story of his life. It was one of such breadth and such deep feeling that I could not fathom how any human could love him, or me, that intently, especially the rather shallow Captain Kirk. 

But when I brought up this point, the elder Spock countered with evidence that my perceptions of our captain were in error. He spoke of his Kirk with great respect, relaying to me his good deeds and depth of connection with the Elder and their crew. He then pointed out instances where my captain made decisions that could be considered foolhardy...or exactly what was needed in the situation, depending on one's point of view. 

The Elder's statements made me pause. If he had a true bond with his Kirk and that man made such a difference in his universe, perhaps he was correct about the possible depths of mine. 

So I listened attentively to his story. The end was inevitable, given his circumstances, but I believe humans would call it sad. For there did not appear to be a way to reunite the Elder with his Kirk. Yet he did not give up. I could not decide if he was foolish or honorable in his tenacity.

By the time the Elder finished the story, it was the beginning of gamma shift. I looked out the window into the night pensively after the Elder's last sentence. 'Is my captain truly like yours?' I stood up and walked to the window, my thoughts in turmoil.

'I cannot say for certain, but I have seen signs that he could be.' My Elder walked over to me. 'It is difficult, I realize, to make a completely rational decision with so little time.'

'It is impossible.' Anger has been difficult to control since Mother's death. I knew the Elder could hear it in my voice, but he did not comment on it.

Instead he simply asked, 'Have you gathered any information of the likelihood of your compatibility?'

I raised an eyebrow. 'Does our initial animosity not qualify as information?'

'Given the pressure you both were under, I would consider it suspect.' The Elder faced the window. 'You require less extraordinary data; something more mundane, typical.'

'Would not the extraordinary show the best and the worst of a person?'

'It does, but you have nothing to compare that data to. And if I recall, both of you were able to do what was needed, despite your 'animosity'.'

'That is correct.' I paused to ponder the circumstances surrounding my earlier difficulties with Captain Kirk. 'But he has a blatant disregard for Starfleet protocol. It would have been more proper to--'

The Elder waved his hand sharply. 'What is proper must sometimes be disregarded in order to save lives. Both Kirks live by that axiom. They believe life is precious. If disregarding protocol will save even one more life, they will, as my Jim says, 'throw the entire rule book out the window.''

This was admirable...and vaguely disturbing. This tendency to disregard the rules could throw the ship into chaos. 'And the rest of the time? Will he continue his disregard for protocol?'

The Elder smiled. 'He will obey the rules that make sense to him. He needs you in this, for you will be able to explain the necessity of certain rules that seem absurd to him.'

I nodded, now understanding how their Enterprise's leadership was balanced. 'It is logical that I do this in my position as first officer. A captain cannot be an expert in everything.'

The Elder then offered a more personal view on this subject. 'And as his life partner, he may need you to keep him from straying far from 'the straight and narrow'. For it is possible for him to intuit too far, to be so firm in a decision that he disregards certain aspects of the situation, especially threats to his own safety.'

I pondered this, then speculated, 'I can bring logic to his life.'

The Elder corrected my assumption. 'No, you will bring purpose. My Jim was attached to the crew from the first moment he stepped aboard the Enterprise. Childhood difficulties have made your Jim less enamored of the 430 lives aboard your ship. Perhaps, if you choose to bond with him, you can aid him in forming those necessary acquaintances. For what is important to you cannot be disregarded by your bondmate.'

'Perhaps.' I said, letting the Elder know that I was still not decided on a course of action. 'Relationships, however, must be beneficial to both parties. What can he provide me?'

The Elder laughed softly. 'The chance to realize that logic is not life. It is an artificial structure that we Vulcans impose on the chaos of existence.'

'It has aided in...' I began to protest.

He held up his hand to halt my words once again. 'I will not deny Surak's teachings have aided us in becoming a more civilized society. That is obviously true. But by living only in the realm of logic, many of our people deny themselves an important part of life.'

The Elder faced me and placed a hand on my shoulder. 'For the sake of both humans you are considering, I must say this. It is not possible to love logically. Both of the people you chose want and deserve your expression of that emotion. Grant them enough of your esteem to consider what your inner self wants before you make your final choice. Surak's ways may cause you to 'throw out' a chance at true happiness because it did not appear logical. Don't do this. Don't make either of them suffer because you disregarded your illogical inner being.'

I pondered his words for a moment. I knew that I had loved my mother. But a mate...I was unfamiliar with the meaning of love in that context. 'How do I recognize this emotion?'

'Romantic love is an overwhelming need to care for the person and to show them your affections.' He appeared to want to say more, but perhaps he believed I could not handle the more illogical aspects of the emotion.

I nodded. 'I am not positive that definition fits what I feel for Nyota...I care for her and I do want to show affection towards her. But I would not consider it overwhelming.'

'Perhaps what you feel for her is filial love...or you have not allowed time for your affections to grow properly,' the Elder speculated. He then asked, 'And what of your emotions concerning your captain?'

'They are...myriad. I feel affection, anger, caring, hatred...emotions that would appear to oppose each other.' My confusion ran deeper than before as I considered my relations with the captain.

'You forget my relationship with Dr. McCoy. There are times those emotions...or at least the illusion of them, do exist together.'

'You believe some of my feelings are false.'

The Elder nodded. 'It is possible you are hiding some emotions behind the illusion of others. Humans often do this when the truth frightens them. I did this as well when thinking of my bondmate when I was young.'

'How will I know if I am doing the same?'

'You must feel. Spend time with him and let yourself experience those emotions.' The Elder smiled. 'No, you need not reveal them to your captain, at least not yet. But you must be honest with yourself. If it truly is hatred you feel for your captain, then by all means, be with Lieutenant Uhura, and consider transferring to another ship with her. But either way, you must decide if you are willing to commit to the storms of human love.'

I raised an eyebrow. 'And if I am not?'

'Then find a Vulcan to marry, for neither human should have to deny part of their self to be with you.' That statement was unexpected...until I considered my parents' marriage. Emotion had been there as well; it was simply not revealed to others.

I bowed to the Elder to signify both my understanding and my appreciation. I did not know which I would choose yet, but I knew my next step. I needed to gather more information concerning my emotions toward the captain. For I only had a few days before the plak tow would be upon me. I needed to make my decision quickly, but I believed that I had enough time to achieve a successful outcome.

The Elder must have expected this, because he said, 'He is in the rest area, having a drink with Dr. McCoy.'

I bowed again and headed out into the night towards the rest area set up for those aiding the colony.

I found the captain sitting under a tall tree, laughing with Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott. When the captain saw me, he waved. 'Spock, join us!'

I walked over to the small group and nodded a greeting to each of them. I refused their offer to join them in a drink, as I prefer to not imbibe alcohol. In deference to our developing relationships, I attempted to do so kindly. I believe I succeeded when Mr. Scott offered to find me a cup of tea. However, I refused this as well, saying that I was not thirsty.

My thirst was for knowledge, not liquid. So I turned to the captain. 'If I may be so bold...' I paused and decided to follow the Elder's lead. I held my hands out, palm up, but in invitation, not pleading. 'I was told you play chess. I would be honored if you would join me in a game.'

After a moment of surprise, the captain...Jim smiled and stood up. 'I'd like that.' Dr. McCoy also looked surprised, in a pleasant way, I believe. That may be why he suggested to Mr. Scott that they attempt to find Yeoman Rand and Lieutenant Sulu.

Jim followed me to a table a few meters away that held a variety of leisure activities, including a 3D chess set. Within a few moments, we began the game. Without conscious agreement, we continued the conversation we had started about our childhoods the day before.

We played continuously as we talked about a variety of subjects. I learned many things that made me suspect that my elder self was correct: Jim Kirk was a man of deep feeling. I could feel myself 'warming' to him. This disturbed me slightly, but my inner self seemed not to care.

It was three hours before alpha shift when we parted. As I headed to my father's dwelling, I contemplated the information I had gathered. 

A decision began to form in my mind, but before I acknowledged it fully, I chose to meditate on it. By the time I prepared for my shift, my decision was firm. Although I did acknowledge a filial love for you, Nyota, I realized we would be unsatisfactory as mates. Captain James T. Kirk, however, offered intriguing possibilities of love and deep commitment.

So I sent you a message to meet me in a recreation room first thing in the morning in order to tell you of my decision. Once that task was complete, I found myself with a new dilemma. I realized that I did not know how to tell a new friend that he was my intended mate, and that the relationship needed to be consummated within the next seven days.

\-----------  
end part 2  
\-----------

I will not repeat our conversation before alpha shift, as I do not wish to cause you pain. However, I am thankful that you understood that my decision was no reflection on yourself, your abilities, or your capacity for affection. I am honored that you still call me friend.

However, my difficulties concerning the captain shadowed me. I was no closer to a solution to my dilemma when I entered the turbolift after our discussion. We were preparing for our next journey to pick up supplies for New Vulcan; therefore, I attempted to shift my focus to the day's tasks.

It seemed that I was destined to fail at that endeavor. When I walked onto the bridge, I was met by the captain's eyes. 

He was watching me.

He stared at me rather intently for 47 seconds without moving. I found myself standing in front of him, frozen in place by an emotion I could not name. The feeling made my hands tremble, so I hid them behind my back.

Once he averted his gaze, I took a deep breath to calm myself. After a moment's contemplation, I concluded that his look was solely due to a desire to speak to me. Therefore, I walked near his chair. 

The captain appeared disconcerted at my nearness for a moment, but then he sighed and waved his hand. 'Check with the Deltans on the status of the medical supplies. I don't want to be waiting in orbit for a week just because they haven't gotten them together yet.' Then he turned to order Lieutenant Sulu to steer the ship out of New Vulcan orbit.

I blinked, trying to hide a more visceral response to that statement. I could not be on this ship in a week. My biology would not allow it. 'I thought we were to return to New Vulcan within two days with the supplies.'

The captain turned back to me. 'Yeah, we were, but somebody screwed up. The Deltans say it'll take longer than expected to gather what they're donating.' He ran his fingers through his hair. 'I may regret signing onto the flagship of the fleet. Everyone wants to make their grand gesture of support with us in their skies. Not that I'd ever deny your people what they need.' 

With a sympathetic look in his eyes, he reached towards my arm, but did not touch me. I found myself disapponted that he did not. As he dropped his hand, his expression became pensive. 'It'd just be a lot easier if they didn't all want to give their donations directly to you or your father.'

'I agree. It is not logical. But Father thinks it best that we accept humbly, without questioning the terms that do not harm anyone. It will help the colony retain allies.' I turned to the science station to find the latest message from Delta IV. 

'Where is he off to?' Captain Kirk asked curiously.

'The Farragut is taking him to Betazed to accept a shipment of dilithium.' 

I then looked at my screen and relayed its content to the captain. 'The Deltan Prefect has indicated that it will take four days to gather all the supplies.' I froze as my mind processed the meaning of this delay. I would be forced to talk to the captain and consummate our relationship aboard the Enterprise or risk insanity and death.

I obviously was not thinking clearly when I decided to continue aboard the Enterprise in my condition, as I did not anticipate this delay. Now the chance of resolving my situation on New Vulcan was much less. This change disturbed me as it posed dangers to both myself and my intended. I was hoping to have healers nearby in the event of the captain's refusal and my death, or if he accepted, in the event he was hurt while I burned.

Not knowing how to resolve this difficulty, I continued with my work, saving further contemplation for a more appropriate time. As it was the second day of my cycle, I was able to retain my composure if I remained undisturbed. It was my good fortune that it was an uneventful journey, as you remember, until 1135. 

I was checking the inventory of the supplies the Deltans had already collected for New Vulcan when an alarm chimed. I looked at the viewscreen, and then made calculations based on the data I saw. 

Then I turned towards the captain. I was surprised when I found him watching me once again. When his eyes met mine, I uncharacteristically felt my face warming and my thoughts turned to consummation of the mating cycle. A moment later, frustration at my lack of control coursed through me. Perhaps I did not have two days until the madness began to take me.

I would have time to deal with this later, I told myself. The captain needed the information I had discovered, so I brought my attention back to ship's business with difficulty. 'The wormhole that brought Nero and Elder Savid to this universe has moved. It will now be within 10,000 kilometers of our path to Delta IV.' 

Captain Kirk nodded. 'Will it be any danger to us?' I could see by his expression that he had noticed my emotional difficulties, but he chose not to comment.

'I have made a small course correction in case it is unstable. I do not forsee any further inconvenience.' I continued to try to use my training to calm myself, but I was only partially successful.

He nodded then turned his chair to face me fully. 'Savid, huh?' He said in a low tone. 'Does that mean anything to you?'

'It does not. But when he approached me to relay the name change this morning, I could see emotion in his eyes. Sadness, perhaps.' In fact, I had seen a slight amount of excess moisture in the Elder's eyes.

The captain raised an eyebrow. 'Did you ask?'

'I did not. He did not appear willing to divulge any information.' As I stared at the captain's friendly expression, I suddenly felt the need to back away. I needed to regain my composure. I took one step back, but the station console would not allow me go further. When I still attempted to do so, I stumbled slightly.

'Spock, what? Are you okay?' Jim stood up and reached toward me, his expression changing to one of concern.

'Yes, I apologize...' Jim grabbed my shirt as I swayed slightly. My body once again was betraying me, and this time my captain did not hold back his concern. I could feel the worry radiating through his touch.

'Sit down. Do I need to get Bones?' He guided me into the seat carefully.

I shook my head. 'I am fine. I simply need a moment.' I watched as the captain swung his legs over the dividing rail to stand next to me. 

His eyes followed my every movement for 2.5 minutes. Then he leaned very close to me and asked in a low tone, rather hesitantly, 'What is going on? I feel...something strange every time I touch you, or even when I get within a half a meter of you. I'm not imagining this, am I?' Jim sighed when I didn't answer him, but he persisted in his attempt to get information. 'Can...we discuss this over lunch?' He then straightened quickly, as if realizing this conversation was not suitable for the bridge, but he did not move from my side. 

Under the guise of making sure I was well, he sat on the rail, determined to hear an answer from me. I found his contradictory actions confusing, but now I believe he did indeed talk to the Elder before I did. I believe he knew some of what I would say.

I started to speak, to claim his perceptions were skewed. Then I recalled the reason the Elder relayed his life story to me. If I remained willing, this man could be my life partner. So I simply asked my intended for time. 'I would prefer to discuss it over dinner tonight, if you would be agreeable.'

Jim nodded calmly, not agitated by my temporary evasion. 'Sure, I'll wait if you need me to. But if I see you stumble again, I'm calling McCoy. Got it?' He waved a finger in my direction to emphasize his conditions.

'I understand.' I inclined my head in agreement.

'Good.' The captain went back to his chair with a small smile on his face. 

32.4 minutes later we received a distress call. Calmer by this time, I was able to focus immediately on the scans our sensors were taking of the disabled ship. 'It is a Romulan Warbird, Captain. Of...unusual design.' I turned to Jim. 'And its hail is encrypted with a Federation call sign imbedded within it.'

'That's odd.' The captain replied. 'Uhura, save a copy of the message. We may need to send it to Starfleet Intelligence.'

I heard your affirmative reply, then turned as the captain had you hail the vessel. As the viewing screen turned on and a face appeared, I had to stifle a gasp.

The face was human and very familiar. I looked at my captain, then back at the screen. In that instant, I had no doubt of the identity of the man on that ship. For he was living proof of the axiom that defined both of the men in my view, that axiom that somehow had both infuriated and awed me.

\-----------  
end part 3  
\-----------

I do not believe the captain realized who he was facing as he stood and said. 'I'm Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation starship Enterprise. May we be of assistance?'

The human on the Romulan vessel, however, appeared to lose his balance momentarily. Then he straightened and stood with a confidence I recognized...in the man he was facing.

'Yes. My navigation system seems to be broken. I need to go to Vulcan, but I'm not able to find it.' He appeared to be studying us. I believed he saw no threat, because his stance became more relaxed. A subtle shift in his eyes led me to suspect that he had made that intuitive leap that his bondmate spoke of so fondly. I knew in that instance he understood exactly who he was talking to.

The bridge crew murmured softly to each other, but the captain waved his hand for silence. 'I'm sorry to bring you the news this way, but Vulcan was destroyed two months ago.'

'Destroyed? How?' In an instant, the older man's ease with the situation disappeared. He braced himself against the chair he was standing next to in a way that made him appear ready to leap through the screen if he found us responsible for the planet's demise. 

I moved from the science station and went to stand next to my captain. Whispering in his ear, I asked him to let me explain the situation to the elder man. I requested that he trust me for the moment. The chess games we had played had obviously affected him as they had me, for he allowed me to speak with a small nod.

I turned toward the screen. The elder Kirk flinched as if struck. Then, oddly, a side of his mouth began to rise as if he would smile before he sighed. 'Please. What happened?' 

I attempted to relax slightly, to mirror his bondmate's logical-but-emotional attitude. I did this in response to an odd wish to comfort him. 'The red matter on your bondmate's ship was used in revenge against our homeworld. A Romulan merchant blamed him for the destruction of Romulus. He captured your mate's ship and made him...us watch our people die.'

'Why?! For God's sake, he did everything he could! He couldn't have predicted that unstable flare that set off the final reaction!' The older man nearly shouted, tears shining in his eyes. 'How could anyone...' He turned away from the screen for a moment. The bridge crew was respectfully silent as the man struggled with the horror we had faced two months ago.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw our captain glance from me to the screen and back again. His eyes widened as he took in the older man's features more thoroughly. I could see that he now recognized the man on the Romulan ship.

But his identity seemed less important to the captain than a certain detail. 'Bondmate?' He mouthed to me. I inclined my head slightly, signalling an affirmative. Jim blinked in startlement. I could see from his expression that he knew the full connotation of that word in Vulcan.

His surprise did not last long, however. He turned back to the screen as the elder Kirk regained his composure. 'Sir, we're sorry to bring you this bad news...'

The other man held up his hand to interrupt the captain. He needed more information before apologies. 'How did my bondmate die?' he asked softly.

'He didn't.' The captain replied in confusion as I took a step back in consternation. Only one thing could have prompted that question, and it was the most dangerous mating difficulty after pon farr. My face must have reflected the horror I felt, for Jim turned toward me worriedly. 'Spock?'

'We must beam him aboard, Captain. He and Elder Savid are in danger.' My hands gripped each other tightly. If what I believed was true, the elder Kirk was in danger of dying within a day, with my elder to follow not long after. 

'Spock's alive?' The older man questioned in surprise, disregarding the new name for the moment. 'But the bond...'

'Seems to have been disrupted in some way, perhaps by the wormhole you travelled through to arrive in this universe.' I finished for him without hesitation. The reluctance to speak of such matters deserted me within an instant. I would not let a taboo keep them apart. They both had sacrificed much to get to this moment. It would be illogical...and inhuman to not aid them. 

So I continued. 'It must be restored before its absence threatens both of your lives.' 

'It's been gone before without adverse effects.' The older Kirk looked worried, however. From my elder's narrative, I knew this man trusted his bondmate implicitly. It appeared that he was transferring that trust to me.

I honored that trust by being truthful. 'That was a different circumstance. Your bondmate's death allowed the bond to break in a natural way, one that causes pain but rarely death in the surviving mate. A broken bond between two living mates is as life-threatening as a fast-acting poison.' 

The older captain's eyebrow raised as he listened to me. He said something in a low tone that the camera could not transmit, then spoke to me again. 'How much did he tell you about us, for God's sake?'

'Everything he deemed important for my future.' I said softly, realizing that I had inadvertently invaded this man's privacy by announcing his circumstances to the bridge crew.

The elder Kirk snorted. 'Knowing him, that's just about all of it.'

I inclined my head to him, in acknowledgement of that truth, then turned to the captain as he motioned to me.

'So he just came out of the wormhole?' Jim asked me.

'Yes,' I replied. 'The bond was intact when I talked to Elder Savid last night.'

The older Kirk now sighed as he heard the Elder's new name a second time. 'He's getting sentimental in his old age. I wish I could tell Bones...'

'You could tell ours if you'd like.' Jim smiled softly. 'After we beam you aboard and...' He looked toward me.

'And I examine the bond.' I said immediately to the older man. 'I need to look into your mind in order to inform the correct healers of your difficulties.'

The older man nodded. 'Let me use my transporter though. It's probably less tempermental than yours...' He grinned as if remembering something.

'What do you want us to do with your ship?' The captain asked. His expression reflected his desire to examine it to see what use it could be to the Federation.

But the elder Kirk thwarted that possibility. 'I'm setting it to self-destruct after I beam over. I've had enough experience with this sort of thing,' he waved his hand towards us, 'to know that letting anyone get their hands on it before the technology is actually developed will cause headaches for someone. That someone has a good chance of being you.'

Jim sighed regretfully, but nodded and told Ensign Chekov to return to our flight path as soon as the elder Kirk was aboard the Enterprise. Then we went to the transporter room to meet the man who would definitively change our future.

I do not know why the elder Kirk chose to beam to the transporter room, when in actuality he could beam himself to any room on the ship. Perhaps he wanted a sense of familiarity, or perhaps he wanted time to adjust to this universe before meeting the bridge crew. Either way, it served us all well. The three of us had a chance to confront the personal issues that entangled us, as well as Elder Savid, without the rest of the crew watching.

The elder Kirk beamed into the room 1.6 minutes after we entered it. After materializing, he studied both of us and chuckled softly. 'Pavel was right. It's hard to remember ever being as young as you.'

The captain was taken aback slightly. 'I'm 25. It's not that young.'

'Twenty-five?!' The elder Kirk exclaimed. 'How the hell did you get your captaincy that early?'

'He manipulated me.' I said, but I could not summon the rancor that I had felt when I initially reached that conclusion.

'I had help.' The captain winked at his older self, who grinned. 

'Never underestimate the Vulcan capacity for deviousness. It's shocking the first time you see it, given their 'logic', but I think all that training gives them an advantage when they actually have to slip something by somebody.' The elder Kirk smiled gently at me. 'Whatever my Spock had him do...consider it a lesson in a skill you'll need to develop.'

I nodded respectfully, then asked curiously, 'Why is it the Elder does not know you were in the Romulan system with him at the time the wormhole was created?'

'Always straight to the point,' the older man chuckled again, leaning against the wall of the transporter room. He paused for a moment, then said more seriously, 'I couldn't let him know. He would have found a way to keep me from joining him there.'

'You were disregarding your safety.' I said softly, remembering the Elder's words from last night.

'He was ignoring his own. We knew there was a chance his calculations were off. Plus there was the sun's gravitational force to contend with. I had no idea how the hell he thought he was going to get out of there alive, so...'

'So you followed him in a cloaked Romulan ship in case he needed help,' Jim finished admiringly. Realizing this conversation might become long, he ushered the other man to Briefing Room 2, telling me with a glance that I was to join them.

'Actually, I got there before he did. That little ship was way too fast for my Romulan clunker to keep up with. I had borrowed it from one of the Romulan politicians Spock was friends with.' The elder Kirk started to lead the way to the briefing rooms, then sighed and let my captain lead. 'It was an old ship. The only improvement I had time to make was to enhance its tractor beam. So I tricked Spock into thinking I was in the VSA when he went to make the final inspections to his ship.'

'When actually, you were already headed halfway across the quadrant.' The captain looked at me with a grin and whispered two words. Kobayashi Maru.

The elder Kirk laughed as he saw what Jim was saying. 'Exactly.'

'Did you attempt to pull the Elder's ship out?' I asked as we sat at the briefing room table with the older man between the captain and myself.

'Yeah. I thought I had him, too. But the wormhole was too strong for either ship.' The elder Kirk sighed. 'I guess we're lucky we weren't killed.'

'You did what was needed. The result was simply unexpected.' I pointed out. 'We will take you to the New Vulcan colony once we receive the necessary supplies from Delta IV.'

'Yeah.' The captain added. 'We can send your Spock an encoded message first if you'd like.'

The elder Kirk looked to me. 'Can we find out what's wrong with the bond first? I don't want him to panic.'

'Spock, panic?' The captain appeared to find this possibility quite improbable.

The older man gave him a hard stare. 'When it comes to those he cares about, Spock has been known to lose sight of all logic. I could tell you...'

The captain thought a moment, then held up a hand. 'No, no. You're right. I have seen this one panic...' He gestured at me. 'It's just kind of hard to think of that reaction in response to me.'

'Who then?' the elder Kirk asked me softly. Sympathy softened his eyes as he looked at me.

'My mother.' I replied. 'She did not survive the destruction of Vulcan.'

'Ah.' The older human bowed his head. 'I grieve with thee. She was a good woman.'

I bowed my head in acknowledgement of his sympathy, then met his eyes with mine. Something in my expression seemed to startle him, because he asked, 'Are you all right?'

Knowing that he'd see the truth as soon as I touched his mind, I simply said, 'For the moment. If I may?' I held my hand close to his face.

'Of course.' The older man leaned back in his chair.

I whispered the mantra to aid the meld, and slipped into a unfamiliar place that had my mark on it everywhere.

The elder Kirk's presence greeted me warmly. 'First, call me JT, kid. This 'elder' label running through your head is going to drive me crazy,' his mind spoke to me immediately through the meld, without discomfort or alarm. 'Secondly, what the hell are you doing running around on a starship during your pon farr? I thought Spock told you about his life.'

'He did,' I sent back. 'I have time before the madness takes me.'

'Not enough. Look, see what you can do about the bond, and I'll see if I can help you out.' He paused, looking deeper into my mind. 'For God's sake, you haven't even told him about any of it yet! What are you waiting for?'

'The correct opportunity.'

The elder...JT sighed into the meld. 'Vulcans! You have more taboos about sex than 19th century America.' He paused for a moment to think. Then as he made a decision, he said, 'All right. Look at the bond, then the three of us are going to talk before you cause an interplanetary disaster.'

I agreed, then preceded to examine the bond. 'It is not broken. It is shielded.' I 'touched' the shield gently. 'This shield is not of Vulcan design. It is elastic. No Vulcan barrier has this quality.' 

I pondered the possible origins of the barrier. Then I remembered something Elder Savid had said last night. It should not be possible, but knowing what I did of the Kirks, somehow that made my conclusion more likely. So I asked, 'Did you create this?'

'Did I?' JT examined the shield closely. 'If I did, I didn't do it consciously.'

'Which would explain why you did not know it was there. Your mind most likely put it in place to protect the Elder as you came through the wormhole. He told me the exit to our side appeared...chaotic. Your mind would have acted instinctively to shield him from possible injury.'

'That makes sense. There were some bolts of energy I thought were about to rip the ship in half before I made it here.' JT sighed. 'Is it hurting him?'

'The shield is most likely causing the Elder minor distress at this time. He drew comfort from being aware of your presence in the bond, even when the wormhole prevented communication between you.'

The elder Kirk nodded. 'We've hurt each other enough. I want this thing gone.' The older man grunted as he pushed at the shield, but although it should have disappeared, it merely bounced back at him.

I 'manipulated' the shield carefully, trying to move it as well. 'You cannot remove it?' 

JT stared at the barrier. 'No, I can't get ahold of it. It's as if my mind's afraid to take it down.'

'Calm your mind.' I suggested. 'I will attempt to dismantle it.'

JT relaxed and I could see the shield begin to lose its grip on the bond, so I gently peeled it away.

Then my presence was grabbed by an unseen force and I was suddenly thrown out of the meld. The force of my removal was so strong that it pushed me to the floor.

'Spock!' Jim grabbed my shoulder to prevent me from hitting my head on the chair beside me. 'What happened?'

I looked up into the smiling face of the elder Kirk. His eyes were closed and he appeared quite relaxed. 'I believe Elder Savid has reunited with his bondmate.'

Then I covered the hand on my shoulder with my palm and looked my intended straight in the eyes.

I burned for him.

\--------------  
end part 4  
\--------------

Many moments passed as I stared at my intended. His eyes did not waver as he looked back at me. I could see within them an undefined knowing, or perhaps an instinctual understanding.

We might have stayed that way for some time if we were not interrupted. JT coughed, attempting to get our attention.

Jim startled, then turned and looked at his elder self questioningly.

'You two aren't fit to be out in public.' JT said, shaking his head. He then leaned down toward me and asked quietly, 'How much does he know?'

I could not answer his query. 'It is better to ask that question of Jim or your bondmate. I did not relay any information to him concerning this difficulty. Elder Savid, however, may have.' I stood up carefully, as I could feel the hormone surge attempting to overtake me again.

JT sighed. 'This is not a difficulty, Spock. This is your life.' 

He then turned to my captain and took a deep breath before speaking. 'I'm going to be blunt here, for both your sakes. He needs to be with his mate. To bond and, well, to have sex.' He looked up at me and shrugged. There was an apology in his eyes. I inclined my head in acknowledgement of it.

'That's what all this is about?' Jim gave me an inscrutible look. 'You should have said something. Of course you and Uhura can have a few days to take care of...whatever you need to. We're just going to be orbiting Delta IV until they get all of the supplies together anyway.' He sat back in his chair, studying me.

I could hear JT comment behind me as I prepared to negate his conclusion. 'Uhura? You were with Uhura?' he asked in a rather shocked voice. 'I hope Scotty was okay with that...'

'Scotty and Uhura?' Jim countered, just as surprised. 'Damn. I would have never guessed that one.' 

No, I am not implying that you have an attraction to Mr. Scott, Nyota. It seems your parallel self did, however.

'Gentlemen, please.' I requested a return to the subject at hand. 

My face was composed as I addressed my captain. 'I am no longer with Lieutenant Uhura.'

'What? Oh, sorry.' Jim's expression changed to one of chagrin. 'So then who do you need?'

With an unexpected desire for guidance, I looked at JT. He smiled and nodded in encouragement. Turning back to my captain, I whispered, 'You.'

Jim stared at me for some moments. 'Can you run that by me again?' he asked finally, leaning forward.

I straightened and put my hands behind my back, trying to to keep what little composure I had. 'My mind chose you as my mate.'

'Okaay...' Jim raised an eyebrow. 'Do I have any say in this?'

'You responded to him. Or were you imagining someone else when you looked like you wanted to devour him a few minutes ago?' JT said softly. 

'He's a good-looking guy.' Jim snapped at his elder self. 'Anyway, he's the one that started it.'

'No, Captain. You did,' I interrupted, wanting to make sure he had all the facts. 'You touched me after my failed attempt at a bond with Lieutenant Uhura.'

'So now you want the first person who gets close to you? What if it wasn't me? What if a Klingon was strolling by and he touched you?!' Jim glared at me.

'Oh, stop it!' JT commanded in a voice I have heard a few times from the younger man. It was even more powerful combined with the air of authority that surrounded the older man. 'Give him some credit. He's not an animal.'

'You didn't see him a couple months ago. He nearly got me killed!' Jim's resentment of my actions during the Narada incident surfaced yet again.

'And if you don't get your act together, you're going to get him killed!' JT growled. His defense of me was...reassuring. Somehow, this emotion did not surprise me.

'What?! This is about him needing to get married! Nobody dies from not having a spouse!' Jim appeared to be ready to fly out of his chair and attack one of us in his fury.

'You're being naive. This is a biological need. If he doesn't satisfy it, his hormones will kill him!' JT yelled back, just as furiously.

I could not move at this point. Part of my mind was intrigued by the argument the two Kirks were having. The other part, the part that now controlled my being, wanted their fight to end so I could cool my blood...or die.

Jim looked as if he would say more, but before he could, my body trembled from the onslaught of another wave of hormones.

He watched me for a moment in surprise, then blinked and addressed JT. 'You're serious.'

'I wouldn't lie about this. Spock, sit down. It's only going to get worse. Rest while you can.' JT turned the chair towards me. 'I won't touch you, I promise.'

I nodded and sat between them, but faced the wall across the table. Their emotions were sending me into turmoil.

It was my good fortune, however, that their argument had ended. 

'So he needs sex?' I heard Jim ask.

'Yeah. A couple days of it. And he needs to connect to your mind, to bond to you.' JT replied softly. 

'I guess I could do that.' Jim mused; however, he did not sound firm in his decision. I could feel his eyes examining me, but I did not turn my head. I was afraid I would become lost in his gaze. At that point, I realized that I was incapable of retaining my logical mind in the state I was in. 

My captain, however, wanted me to decide my fate. 'Are you okay with this, Spock?'

'It is not my decision, Captain,' I said in the most respectful tone I could.

'You are in this together,' JT countered reasonably. 'You both should agree to this before any action is taken.' 

There was only one other possible action that I could see: to let myself die. According to JT and Elder Savid, that choice would not serve my captain well. 'I believe my mind has made an adequate choice.' I said after a moment.

'Well, then, that's settled.' Jim leaned back in his chair, shaking his head. 'I wish you would have sent me flowers or invited me to dinner first. At least then I would have known your intentions.' He directed an amused look at JT. 'Vulcans and seduction don't go together, do they?'

JT laughed. 'Not during pon farr. It's like trying to seduce a charging bull.'

'Yeah, I can see that.' Jim sighed and turned to me. 'So can we take care of this while we're in orbit? We have a few days; we might as well put that delay to good use.'

'I'm afraid...' I stopped, not knowing how to tell him the rest.

JT gazed at me for a moment, then raised an eyebrow. I nodded, understanding that he was offering help.

He finished my statement for me. 'He doesn't have that long. It needs to be handled today. Now, if you can.'

'We're in the middle of space! Anything could happen before we get to the planet...' Part of me was pleased that Jim had discovered within himself a sense of responsibility concerning the Enterprise. His timing, however, was less than apt for my biology.

'I will do what I can to wait until we achieve orbit around Delta IV then, Captain.' I straightened into a facsimile of the stance I use on the bridge.

'Oh, if my Bones could see you two...' JT snorted. 'Look, put Scotty or Sulu in charge and I'll keep an eye on everything.'

'Do you have any thoughts on what to tell them? They're going to notice when we don't come back to the bridge for a few days.' Jim shot back.

'I lied the first time. I'll use the same excuse now. You need to do some research for Starfleet Intelligence. The relevant data is on the Enterprise. Since it's top secret, you're going to lock yourselves away for a few days.' The older man leaned back in his chair calmly.

'That worked?' Jim appeared skeptical.

'Well, my crew trusted me a little more than I expected them to. But...you do have data aboard this ship of an event that Starfleet has to be very interested in, namely the loss of Vulcan. It gives the excuse more credibility.'

'Okay. It makes sense...I think. So now what, we just lock ourselves in Spock's quarters and go at it?' Jim did not look pleased with this possible course of action.

'Use a rec room. Those artifacts in his room were precious to my Spock. Your Spock won't want them jeopardized under any circumstances.'

'Oh. It's going to get a little...rough, then?' Jim looked at me questioningly.

'I...' All the replies that came into my mind seemed inadequate. The captain would be putting his well-being in jeopardy for mine. I did not know how to convey this without angering him.

JT, however, used their shared past to do what I could not. He rolled his eyes. 'Did Mom sell the farm? Or did Uncle Ted forget your biology lesson? This is instinctual, kid.'

Jim reflected on this momentarily, then held up his hands. 'Okay, okay. I get it. The rec room it is.'

JT smiled at me encouragingly. 'There's a rec room just down the hall, right? Why don't you grab some energy bars and water for your captain and head down there. I just need to give him a few pointers, and I'd rather not embarrass you further by making you listen. I know this is tough for you. Go on, I'll send him down in a few minutes.'

I looked to my captain, who nodded. 'It'll be okay.'

I stood up and thanked JT for his kindness then headed out into the hall. 

As the door slid shut, I heard JT exclaim, 'Exactly what kind of fool are you, kid?!'

Yes, I was concerned about leaving them alone together after that comment. However, I knew the elder Kirk to be a well-seasoned leader. And after the brutality I had inflicted on my captain during our battle with the Narada, I was aware that if a physical fight did start, he could endure much pain. 

10.8 minutes after I entered the recreation room, Jim joined me, his expression sheepish. 'I, uh...'

He was interrupted by JT's voice from the hallway. 'I'm locking the door from out here, kid. Comm me when it's over, and I'll send McCoy in to check on both of you.'

'Great, thanks.' Jim said as his face flushed. The door slid shut and my captain jumped as we heard the lock engage.

The captain avoided looking at me at first. He paced the room three times, then looked at the floor in front of him as he spoke. 'I-I'm sorry. I screwed up before. I wasn't thinking when I said all that stuff.'

I made a mental note to thank the elder captain at a later time, then turned my attention to the man in front of me. 'I accept your apology. I also must apologize for not telling you of my condition sooner.' I met his eyes as he raised his head.

'That's ok. This...biological imperative is messing with you. I understand that.' In a single smooth motion, Jim sat on the mat covering 5/8ths of the floor and leaned back with his arms behind him. 'So help me help you. Where do we start?'

'I find I am at a loss,' I said quietly. 'I know what I need, but...I am reluctant to force myself upon you to get it.'

'Is that usually how it happens?' Jim looked up at me curiously.

'The first time one goes through pon farr, yes, that is expected. Once the bond forms, subsequent pon farrs can be controlled to some extent by the mate.' I stood in front of him, unusually reluctant to move.

'Ah, but JT herded us in here before you were ready to lose control, huh?' 

I nodded.

'Well then, we can do this one of two ways.' Jim smiled. 'We can stay here and wait for you to lose it, or...'

I quirked my eyebrow questioningly as he paused.

He grabbed by arm and pulled me down on the mat beside him. I put up no resistance, for my inner self knew he would not hurt me. 'Or we could start this in a more human fashion.'

'What did you have in mind?' I asked, looking into his eyes as he moved even closer to me.

Jim smiled, then pulled me to him for a very arousing, very human kiss.

\-----------  
end part 5  
\-----------

I must apologize once again, Nyota. For I fear I am telling you details that you do not wish to hear. However, since we still consider one another friends, I need to assure you that my decisions were reasonable, given the information I had at the time. I did not intentionally create the situation I now find myself in.

If you will bear with me, I wish to tell you some of what went on in that recreation room as the madness took ahold of me.

Jim's overtures were satisfactory as we began this new experience. However, soon I realized he was hesitating when he touched or kissed me. His reticence brought forth the anger within me.

'Are you repulsed by me?' I asked in a tone of irritation.

'What? No.' My companion looked at me in surprise. 'I'm just trying to get you in the mood.'

'I will be 'in the mood' soon enough.' Part of me began to resent his treatment of me as if I were human, but I knew I was being irrational. I rolled away from the captain, trying to find a way around this difficulty. Perhaps using logic...'Should we not concentrate on logistics?'

'What, like who's on top?' Jim grinned, in a way that humans refer to as 'cocky'.

'That is one area that should be discussed.' I watched him, irritated with his casualness.

Jim did not appear to like my attitude either. He shook his head. 'For someone who's supposed to be out of control, you analyze way too much.'

'And you are too hesitant.' I snapped, then was surprised at my own emotionality. My eyes lowered as I saw the shock on his face.

'Sor-ry.' Jim drawled the word, emphasizing both syllables. 'Even one night stands have *some* build-up.'

I paused to reflect upon this possibility, when Jim burst out again. 'Let me guess. You've never done this before.'

'I have not.' I agreed.

Jim examined me intently. 'So you have no idea what you're doing, do you?' He rolled his eyes. 'Don't you have a manual or something? You should, Vulcans do analyze EVERYTHING.'

'We do not.' I sighed, frustrated with the conversation. 'The subject is considered taboo.'

'Damn, I knew I should have taken up Gallia's offer to get me the Interspecies Kama Sutra.' Jim covered his eyes with his arm and laid back on the mat.

'That book does not include Vulcans in its text.' I said quietly.

'You've read it?!' Jim moved his arm to glare up at me.

'Yes, for a class in interspecies relations.' I did not tell him that the emotional quality of some of the passages confused me.

Jim groaned. 'But you've never done anything with Uhura, have you? I bet everything you know about sex is academic.'

'My sexual experience before this is none of your concern.' I growled, defending the privacy of both myself and you. Even though you were not my intended mate any longer, I would not have you shamed by the captain's callousness.

'Look, I'm not fishing for details. I just want to know if you need...guidance.' Jim let out a huff of impatience. 'Your secrets are safe with me anyway. Uhura would kill me if I said anything. I'm not trifling with that b...woman.' He sighed. 'Sorry. I had an...encounter with her before the attack. It wasn't pleasant. I'm not sure either of us trusts the other yet.'

As I watched him apologize, I was suddenly possessed by the need to lay next to him, so I did so. 'Neither of you relay this difficulty to the crew any longer. You are making progress in your reconciliation with her.'

'Thanks.' Jim chuckled softly. 'It's a start, I guess.'

'As is the reconciliation between you and I.' I admitted. 'But I fear it may be in jeopardy. If you feel you cannot fulfill my request, you should leave this room. I would not have this experience ruin our new...friendship.'

Jim propped himself on an elbow so he could gaze down at me. 'I think not doing it would ruin our friendship even more. It's rather hard to maintain a relationship when one member is dead.'

He ran his hand over my ear, causing me to shiver. 'And think of what I'd miss if I wasn't here. My first officer, losing all control.'

'You have been on the receiving end of my lack of control once before, Captain.' I reminded him once again of the time he taunted me on the bridge. My voice was not steady as one of his hands reached under my uniform tunic and caressed my skin.

'That was pain; this is pleasure. And if you call me 'Captain' again while we're in here, I'll have Bones get the big needles out during your next exam. You said it yourself: we're friends. The name is Jim.' I watched as he removed my tunic, then I had to close my eyes as the sensation of his cool skin touching mine overwhelmed me.

At that point, my hormones surged through me. I do not recall the events of the subsequent hours in detail, but I do recall that Jim ceased hesitating and that there were two ripped uniforms beside us when I returned to awareness later that day.

Jim was grinning down at me when I opened my eyes. 'Damn, he wasn't kidding about the 'rough' part.'

'I assume you are referring to JT. No, he was not.' I looked my companion over carefully. 'Do you need medical attention?'

'Nah, I'm fine. I'll just eat an energy bar and then I should be able to handle whatever you need me to.' Jim rose from the mat with a small wince, but he showed no signs of severe pain.

I was not satisfied, however. I had known Jim to lie in the past. Therefore, I checked my mind for the connection that had begun growing as we mated. Carefully probing it, I said, 'You have three lacerations on your left thigh, your right shoulder is bruised, and there are five wounds bleeding on your back.'

Jim must have felt me probe the newly-formed bond, for he was not surprised by my statement. 'So that little twinge in my head, that's you, huh? Well, I've had worse injuries than these. Hell, my first bar fight gave me a concussion.' 

He seemed more concerned for my welfare than his own. Grabbing an energy bar and two bottles of water, he returned to sit at my side. 'I know you can't eat during this, but it would make Bones happy if you weren't completely dehydrated when we return to duty.' He offered me a bottle.

I opened it and took three sips. 'I cannot consume much, but I will do what I can to placate the doctor until he allows me to resume my work.'

'And then all bets are off.' Jim chuckled. 'What is with you two, anyway? You seem to get along...by not getting along.' As he said this, he opened the wrapper enclosing the energy bar and began to consume the contents.

'It is an odd relationship, I agree. It appears I give him a reason to complain, which as his friend, you realize he needs.' I sat up, feeling rather relaxed at the moment.

'Yeah, Bones isn't happy unless he's bitching about something. What surprises me is you complain right back at him.' My bondmate raised an eyebrow in imitation of myself.

I pondered this for a moment. 'I cannot give you a reason for my doing so other than it feels...right.'

Jim shrugged. 'If it works for you...' He drank some water, then put the bottle aside. 'So what's next? I didn't expect you to be coherent for another couple of days.'

'If you are comparing this to a description of Elder Savid's first pon farr, I should tell you his experience will not serve you well. He was in a state of distress by the time the Kal-i-fee took place.'

'So this is more normal?' Jim waved his hand between us.

'Yes. From the little that Father told me about pon farr, I have deduced that the burning varies in strength according to the needs of both bondmates.'

He thought about this as he ate the last piece of the energy bar. 'Then are you telling me you stopped because my stomach was growling?' Jim gave me an amused look.

'Essentially, yes.' I let one side of my mouth drift up in response.

My bondmate laughed. 'This thing between us could come in handy. JT didn't tell me about that part.'

'Elder Savid tended to rely on their bond in more dire circumstances. He relayed to me instances where the bond helped save JT's life.' I paused, then made an attempt at levity. 'It will be most gratifying to have you 'on a leash' when you get into trouble.'

'Oh, thanks.' Jim rolled his eyes. 'I'm not a pet.'

'But there are times you do need to be watched.' I let my face drift into a genuine smile.

'I'm not the only one.' Jim waved a finger at me. 'I was lucky your father was on the bridge...'

I sighed and bowed my head. 'Perhaps you should have reprimanded me for my actions.' I wished to stop my brutality during the Narada attack from troubling him, but I did not know what to do or say.

It was not me who finally put the situation to rest, however. Echoes of the elder Kirk appeared in Jim as he said, 'I wasn't about to punish someone lashing out in grief. No...' He shook his head as I started to speak again. 'You're not like Nero. After 25 years, he wasn't grieving anymore. That was premeditated evil. You, on the other hand, were just defending someone you loved.'

Jim took my hand and enclosed it in both of his. 'I might...I might actually find myself defending you that way...someday.'

Although I could have pointed out the illogic in such a deed, I chose to accept his statement as an acknowledgement of our growing friendship. 'I would be honored if you one day defended me with the same intent,' I replied softly.

We gazed at each other for another moment, then another wave of hormones heated my body and forced a moan from my lips.

Although my clarity quickly faded as the plak tow controlled me, I could see Jim shiver in response to the change in my state.

'I think break time is over,' Jim said with a smile. 'Come here, you. Let's get back to work.' He pulled me into his arms and gave me another kiss.

The plak tow lasted three more days. During that time, we had both long sessions of mating and additional periods of rest, when Jim would refuel himself and we would talk. During that time, I began to see what Elder Savid meant when he spoke of sacred memories. I would never have believed that pon farr, one of the most troubling times for a Vulcan, could become sacred to me.

However, I am gratified that it reached such status and allowed me moments of fond reflection, because the events following it were most painful.

\-----------  
end part 6  
\-----------

The next stage of our relationship was marked by a conversation with Dr. McCoy on the day we left the recreation room. I did not realize it at the time, but the doctor is a very perceptive man. If I were human, I would suggest that his words were an omen of what was to come.

'Ok, you're free to go, Jim.' the doctor said as he finished healing the wounds on my bondmate. I watched the lacerations I had caused disappear one by one. My relief at their removal pushed me back onto the sickbay bed that I was reclining on. Until then, I did not realize how important Jim's well-being was to me.

I could see Dr. McCoy give me an evaluative stare, but he continued speaking with the captain. 'Just watch your shoulder for another day or two. And next time you two need to clash violently like that, let your doctor know. I don't appreciate being informed by an old stranger...even if he is you.'

'Thanks, Bones.' Jim said calmly as he stood up, then came over to me and touched my hair lightly. 'Don't let him torture you. I think I did as much damage to you as you did to me...' He sighed in consternation, but only said, 'I'll see you on the bridge.' His voice was gentle, but I could hear confusion as well as compassion within it. 

This did not surprise me, as I could feel confusion about us within me as well. However, I needed to be his guide in this new aspect of our relationship, so I hid my internal conflict when I replied, 'Yes, Captain.' 

The doctor's eyes followed Jim as he left sickbay. 'That is a sight I never expected to see.'

I looked at McCoy questioningly. I knew the captain to be an affectionate man. His action did not appear unusual to me.

The doctor was not speaking of the action itself, but the emotional quality contained within it. As he healed the cut on my arm, he explained, 'He's gone through...oh about three or four relationships a month since I met him. They didn't...' He paused and started again. 'That kind of gentleness...I never saw that directed toward someone he's slept with. In fact, the only time I saw it, it was for a dog that had been abused by its owner.' 

I was puzzled as to why my bondmate's gentleness would concern the doctor, but I chose to ask a more obvious question. 'You do not think he can be gentle with those he pairs with physically? Do others not find him 'romantic'?' Looking for more data about Jim, I intentionally began to interrogate Dr. McCoy.

Although I often found humans to be offended by my direct manner, the doctor simply stared at me a moment before shrugging. 'You don't know him, I do. He eats conquests for breakfast. It's not about romance with him; it's about getting what he wants. Luckily for you, he wanted to make sure you stayed around.' He looked me over before healing another small cut on my foot. 'It's actually nice to know these bruises aren't from you two trying to kill each other.' Although he criticized the captain, I could hear his concern for the man in his tone.

'It would be counterproductive to kill one's mate,' I replied. 'Most of the bruising is a result of an intense physical need to be close as the bond formed.' I believed the doctor was entitled to an explanation of the wounds, as I expected he would be healing us again in seven years.

As he listened to me, Dr. McCoy went across the room to retrieve a scanner. He looked back at me as he retrieved the correct device. I was somewhat startled to hear him grumble his worry concerning 'weird alien rituals'. 

'And what of your courtship ritual involving taking one's mate to a film involving serial murder? That one is also cause for concern, as it often subjects at least one mate to nightmares,' I pointed out, remembering Elder Savid's descriptions of his relation with his McCoy. Therefore, I chose to meet my doctor on his terms. It was best to ignore the potential for offense in the interest of sparking a debate with him. 

This time, however, he did not take my 'bait'. He simply replied, 'That's a ploy that naive boys use. I never used it and I bet Jim found something better when he got out of his teens. If I know him, it probably involved alcohol.'

I nodded, then chose to abandon my attempt to get a reaction out of McCoy in favor of easing his mind concerning his best friend. 'The bonding has not caused Jim any ill effects that I can discern. I believe he will adjust.'

'For your sake, I hope you're right. But just keep in mind that with humans, old habits die hard. He's not used to sticking with one person, especially when that person can get inside his head. That's more than he's ever handled before. He might have problems with it.' 

As I listened to him, I realized it was not the gentleness that concerned McCoy. Jim did not have experience with long-term relationships, and the doctor was voicing his fear that the younger man would retreat from the one he was now faced with.

With that warning, the doctor finished his scans. 'Okay, your body has returned to those screwed-up levels you call normal. Get out of here.' He waved his hand with a look of annoyance.

I nearly smiled, because now I could see the truth of Elder Savid's words concerning this man. The doctor's irritation was illusory. It hid a depth of feeling I could only hope the captain appreciated.

I unfolded my uniform tunic and put it on. I could feel McCoy's worried gaze follow my movements as I dressed and left sickbay. I should have thanked him for his concern, but I did not. I was convinced he was wrong.

For I could feel Jim's bright presence in my mind. I believed the bond would 'fix' him. I was sure it would be all I needed to return him to the 'straight and narrow' as Elder Savid had said.

I'm afraid that I was the one in error. The difficulties began as soon as I joined the captain on the bridge.

I nodded to my bondmate as I walked to my station. Instead of the smile I expected, I saw Jim wince and turn away from me. Immediately after that, I felt the bond being pulled at. 

Afraid that the bond had hurt him in some way, I attempted to get his attention both visually and through the bond, but he was too preoccupied with his 'action' to understand my requests to desist.

Yes Nyota, I noticed your concern at that point. I thank you for your willingness, but I'm afraid there was nothing you could have done to help either of us. 

Despite my requests to desist, Jim continued to tug at the bond. It quickly made my head ache. I automatically put a hand to my forehead at an especially hard pull. That is when he finally noticed my distress.

'Sorry.' The captain whispered with a chagrined look. The tugging ceased and was followed by a wave of remorse through the bond.

As the bond was not sufficiently developed to allow speech, I sent a comforting wave back to Jim. I was willing to attribute his actions to adjustment difficulties.

However, Jim continued to try to manipulate the bond, though now less harshly. His attempts caused him to twist in his chair as they continued to make my head ache.

'Are you all right, Captain?' I turned towards him, now believing it necessary to be more direct.

My bondmate blushed slightly as the rest of the bridge crew turned to see what he was doing. He then turned directly toward me.

'Join me for a walk, Mr. Spock.' Jim stood up abruptly and gave Mr. Sulu the conn before leaving the bridge. I followed one pace behind him.

He waited until the turbolift doors closed to speak. 'Can you tone this down or something?' He waved at his head. 'It's distracting.'

At his words, his actions became more logical. My mind worked quite opposite his own. Having such differing processes in his head must have been as disconcerting for him as it was for me. However, I had been given training as a youth to keep the bond separate from but connected to my inner self.

My bondmate had no such defense. Therefore, I took the necessary steps to relieve his tension. I closed my eyes for a moment as I shielded the bond. I heard Jim's sigh of relief as I checked our connection for injury.

'I apologize. I should have asked what level of contact you wanted to maintain,' I said softly.

'I...thought it would only be active during...' With an embarrassed glance in my direction, Jim ran his hand through his hair. 'During sex.'

'If that is what you prefer, I can shield it at other times.' This was not satisfactory, but perhaps the offer would alert him to other possibilities.

'Yeah, please.' Jim nodded. 'It's hard enough commanding with one person in my head. Two is dangerous.' He leaned against the rail. 'Unless it'll hurt you...' His concern for my welfare was apparent in his expression.

I was alarmed at his statement, as it would essentially put our bond in the same state that Elder Savid had maintained to give his Jim his freedom. I did not wish to repeat my elder's mistakes, but I told myself to proceed with caution. My bondmate is human, I said to myself. Few humans can initiate psychic links, and are therefore rather unfamiliar with their logistics.

So I hid my fear from Jim. 'I will not be harmed.' I assured him, although I was uncertain of this. The bond was so new, so fragile, that it was still possible to injure it without intent. But if he wanted it closed for the sake of the Enterprise, I would do my best to maintain its health without disturbing him.

'Thanks. I'm sorry about before...' Jim blushed slightly. 'It was reminding me of things that I shouldn't be thinking of on the bridge.'

'No permanent harm was done.' I nodded in acceptance of his apology and explanation.

Jim sighed, relieved that the situation was resolved. 'Thanks. That...connection needs some getting used to.'

'I hope you do not find it intrusive.' I found myself overly concerned with Jim's state of mind. The doctor's earlier words echoed in my mind. I did not want to be just another conquest to my captain.

Jim's words did not comfort me. 'No, no. You need it. I can deal with it toned down like this.' He shrugged in a manner indicating indifference. As I observed him, I began to fear his indifference was to the bond's existence. If this was true, we had little chance of creating a proper marriage between us. My hands trembled slightly at the thought.

'I do not wish to cause you distress...' Although I pitched my voice to relay only concern, I clasped my hands behind my back so I did not give into my desire to shake him and demand to know why he wished to avoid my internal presence.

'Spock, it's okay. I'll deal with it. Just keep it closed and you won't have to worry about me.' Jim held up his hand to stop any further argument.

His reaction changed my perception of the bond between us. I was beginning to believe we were not destined to follow in the footsteps of our elders. Jim did not react to our bond as JT did to his bond with Elder Savid. His reluctance to have my presence in his mind was disturbing and potentially harmful to both of us. 

Therefore, when the turbolift finally opened at the observation deck, I excused myself. I realized I needed advice, and standing at the large window was the human who could give it to me: my bondmate's other self.

\----------  
end part 7  
\----------

The elder Kirk turned toward me as I approached him. 'Hi, Spock.'

I said nothing, but let my expression speak for me, as humans often do. I was not sure how to phrase my dilemma, so oddly enough, I put my trust in the interpretations of the older version of the man who troubled me.

The smile JT wished to greet me with faltered as he saw my face. 'What happened?' He asked as anger contorted his face. 'The kid told me he would treat you well.' He appeared ready to defend me if I told him otherwise.

I was honored by his intentions; however, his emotionality would not help me at this point. So I sought to calm him. 'The bonding was satisfactory,' I said quietly as I stood next to him. 'He is simply having trouble adjusting to my presence within him.'

'Why should your presence be a problem? I told him what to expect.' JT glared at the planet below us as if he wanted it to provide us with answers.

'I do not know for certain. However, Dr. McCoy did warn me that the captain is unused to long-term commitments in his sexual pairings. He feared that would cause problems with our pairing.' I stood stiffly, wondering if I were to blame for this difficulty.

'Dammit, the kid needs to get his head together before he screws up everything. What is he doing?' The elder Kirk asked angrily.

'He has requested that I close the bond except when we are engaged in mating.' I attempted to remain calm, but of course I did not fool this man. 

'What?!' JT appeared incredulous, then calmed quickly as I raised my eyebrow. 'Sorry, I forgot you two aren't us. By the time his pon farr came around, Savid and I were good friends. According to McCoy, you two are barely done being enemies.'

'That is essentially true.' I turned toward the window with my hands clasped behind my back. 'I should have anticipated this difficulty.'

JT sighed. 'I probably need to apologize to you. I tried to explain to him what was going on, but I'm pretty sure he felt like we were forcing his hand. But I didn't know what else to do. You didn't have a lot of time. I was sure your plak tow would begin before I got you two safely locked away.'

'It occurred not long after that.' I confirmed his suspicions, then bowed to him. 'I thank you for doing what you believed was best. You could not have prevented this problem with the data you had. The differences between you and my captain were difficult for you to anticipate, as you had very little information about his life.' I did not believe there was any reason he needed my forgiveness. He had done everything in an attempt to keep me well.

'That doesn't make me feel any better.' JT leaned his forehead against the window and was quiet for a few moments. Then he lifted his head and with a sad expression continued, 'Savid is worried too. He believes he pushed you two together too quickly. He thinks now that he shouldn't have let you leave the colony, so you could have bonded temporarily with a healer.'

'Although that may have been satisfactory, it does not help my current difficulty,' I pointed out.

JT nodded. 'I know...' He started to pace. 'I could try talking to him, but I never handled the advice from authority figures well. He's likely to do the opposite of anything I suggest.'

'Then I suggest you refrain from talking to him.' I relaxed slightly, knowing that whatever was said here, I was safe with this man.

'Yeah, that's probably best.' JT let out a short laugh, then turned away from me. It appeared as if he were talking to Elder Savid again.

I waited, politely turning away to give him privacy as he conversed with his bondmate. As he did, I surreptitiously checked on my own. I cautiously peeled open a section of the shield I had placed between us.

Jim did not seem to notice my presence, as he was occupied in a discussion with Dr. McCoy. I was not surprised to detect that the discussion concerned myself. Although I could not hear their dialogue, from the thoughts and emotions in Jim's mind, I deduced that my bondmate was lamenting his choice. He had not wanted to be 'tied' to one being. He simply had not wanted me to die.

I found it necessary to withdraw and reestablish the shield completely before I revealed my presence, as I felt anger well within me. I found myself clenching my fists when I finished closing the shield and opened my eyes.

In the time that I used to check on Jim, JT had finished his conversation with Elder Savid; therefore, he was watching me when my eyes opened. He must have detected my distress, because he touched me on the shoulder in an attempt to soothe my mind.

'What did he say?' the elder Kirk asked cautiously.

'We cannot articulate through the bond as of yet,' I replied. 'But the thoughts in his mind indicate an unwillingness to be bonded.' 

JT cursed softly. 'McCoy was right then.' He sighed. 'I'm sorry. I got you two into this mess...'

'It is not you who chose Jim. It was me.' I corrected him. 'I am to blame; therefore, I will remedy the problem. I will find a healer and give Jim his freedom.'

JT gave me a look of frustration. 'And risk your own life? That won't make him happy, not when he finds out that the chances of you coming out of a second torn bond with your faculties intact is slim.'

'I will not tell him.' His well-being was important and needed to be aided. I would survive; I had Elder Savid as proof.

'You'll need to silence both me and Savid, then. We won't have your blood on our hands, not when we can prevent it.' JT glared at me in a way I readily recognized. It was the expression Jim had used when trying to make me listen to him concerning the Narada. 'At least discuss the problem with him. He needs to see this is hurting you.'

'I will do so at my earliest convenience,' I said to placate JT. An argument with Jim's elder would accomplish nothing.

JT appeared skeptical of my acquiescence, but he nodded. 'Good. Savid is concerned about that fiasco when you tried to bond to T'Pring as a child. He believes the the bond's rupture will make you more sensitive to problems. S'rev should be shot for what he did to you. Which, I think, is the reason Savid has ordered our house built outside New Shikahr...' He trailed off, then shrugged. 'Be careful. We're not sure you'd survive two broken bonds.'

I inclined my head in acknowledgement of the warning. 'I will be vigilant.' I did not tell him that my vigilance would be mostly in order to protect my captain.

JT squeezed my shoulder again in an attempt to convey reassurance. 'If you need anything, let me know.'

My respect for this man had grown large within the small amount of time he had been on board the Enterprise. However, his wisdom contrasted so starkly with my own captain's youthful mistakes that I despaired more now than when I entered the room. So I bowed my head but said nothing as I left the observation deck.

However, because I still sought a solution, I returned to the bridge. Everyone appeared busy at their stations, so I went to mine and began my work. But I soon found myself distracted by JT's advice. So, after checking the cargo list from Delta IV, I turned to the captain.

'Would you consent to join me for lunch?' It took much to retain my outward appearance of calm, as internally, my mind was bombarded by anger, despair, and self-doubt. However, the captain did not notice my difficulty.

'Hmm? Oh, sure. I need to talk to you about some roster changes anyway.' He replied casually, in direct contrast to my internal turmoil.

His response almost seemed insultive. However, since I did not wish to cause a conflict on the bridge, I thanked him and returned to the inventory.

We met for lunch in a corner of the mess hall. Jim was waiting for me at a table when I arrived.

'Spock! Hey, what do you think of these possibilities for cosmologist?' He handed me a PADD.

Looking over the names, I found them all satisfactory. But as my job was to advise my captain, I replied, 'Dr. Knowles is the most qualified, and has been in space before. The others have not.'

Jim nodded as he picked at his lunch. 'Thanks.' He made a note, then finished eating.

Because of my state of mind, I became uncomfortable simply sitting there with Jim. So, after a few minutes of silence, I began, 'Jim, I need to speak with you concerning the bond...'

'What? It's fine. I can deal with it like this.' Jim appeared nervous as he stood up and disposed of the remainder of his lunch.

'But Captain...' I tried again. I rose from my chair, but that seemed to make the captain more nervous.

'Look, can we talk about it later? I have to meet Scotty to go over some engine repairs,' he said in a rushed tone of voice.

'Of course, Sir.' I straightened my spine, realizing he was avoiding this conversation, whether his excuse was legitimate or not.

He smiled weakly and patted me on the shoulder before he left the mess hall. As he did, my spine weakened. For I felt his thoughts in that touch.

He was contemplating asking Ensign Hollis, the young female cartographer, to dinner.

\----------  
end part 8  
\----------

Yes, given my state of mind, it was very difficult to meet with the Deltan Prefect that afternoon. However, because my people needed me to represent them, I composed myself and beamed down with Captain Kirk to thank the Prefect and his world for their gift of medical supplies.

Deltans are a species with a strong sexual presence, as I had said in our briefing. They do not need to use physical contact to arouse most humanoids, as they have high levels of pheromones and the subconscious areas of their brains reach out to others telepathically.

Most Deltans consider humans sexually naive, and do their best to suppress the pheromones in their presence. Unlike the Deltans I have met, Prefect Kitan flaunted his sexual attractiveness by wearing provocative clothing and walked with a stride that I have heard others call a strut.

Although the Prefect was extremely courteous and kind to me, his real interest seemed to be my bondmate. After the expected sympathies toward me and my people, he pulled the captain aside, supposedly to speak of future shipments.

While they conversed, I wandered among the other politicians as they greeted me and expressed their condolescences for my people's loss. But I often found myself glancing towards the corner in which the captain and the Prefect spoke.

They were in an amicable discussion with many smiles and laughs. This was as I expected, given the charisma of my bondmate.

However, I had to invoke all my training to stay calm when, after speaking to the Prefect's Lieutenant concerning the farming land on New Vulcan, I again turned towards my captain and found his hand clasped within Kitan's embrace.

Although to humans, hand clasps are common and expected among strangers at times, to Deltans and Vulcans, they are highly personal actions. Therefore, by the tenets of both of our cultures, the Prefect was making a highly suggestive request of Jim by holding his hand so.

The captain did nothing to reject Kitan's touch. In fact, it appeared that his smile became wider as the Prefect clasped his hand. It was as if he was encouraging the Deltan's touch.

I became so angry when this thought entered my mind that I had to turn away for fear that I would disrupt the diplomacy that I was supposed to encourage.

I am sure you now understand why I was very glad to return to the ship and leave orbit to head back to New Vulcan. Yes, I know that you didn't realize the extent of my distress at the time. I suspect that not one member of the crew did.

I believe the only one aboard who comprehended my turmoil was JT, but as he understood Vulcan culture, he said nothing on the bridge. I was a member of his Vulcan house by extension. To mention my difficulty in such a public place would be to insult me. He could not shame his family so.

However, I was aware of his reaction to my situation. When we returned to the ship, Jim invited JT to spend time on the bridge. The elder Kirk took advantage of this opportunity in a way I did not expect. 

At first, he watched all of us work with a small smile on his face. I could see him remembering the time he had spent with his people in an identical place. Knowing that I would not have to monitor him as I had other guests, I turned back to the screen on which I was doing evaluations of the science crew. 

When I looked around the bridge again, 10.7 minutes later, I was startled to find JT in a position between me and my bondmate. A glance at his face informed me that he was there to aid me if I found myself in conflict with the captain. My surprise lessened when I remembered how good the captain was at listening to the 'rumor mill' and being able to sort fact from fiction. Of course, JT knew how to do the same.

My eyes were then drawn to the captain's figure, sitting less than a meter away. As he conversed with Lieutenant Sulu about fencing, I pondered his meeting with Prefect Kitan. I recalled that they had parted as good friends do, with smiles, and with Jim giving the Prefect an intimate touch on the arm.

My thoughts must have changed the expression on my face, because the next time I looked at JT, his eyes shone with sympathy. But however much I appreciated his understanding, his concern for my well-being was unnecessary. The captain avoided addressing me on the bridge as much as possible; therefore, there was little chance for conflict. Suprisingly, my bondmate's avoidance seemed to make JT angry. I did not understand the elder Kirk's reaction, but since I had duties to attend to, I chose to ignore it.

I did my best to ignore both of the Kirks until we began orbiting New Vulcan. It was not hard, as JT knew better than to distract the bridge crew, and the captain seemed most interested in Ensign Chekov's tale of his youth in Moscow.

The most eventful part of the trip was the comm call you received from Elder Savid directly before we reached orbit around New Vulcan. All heads turned to the screen as his visage appeared on it.

There was a visible sheen of moisture in the Elder's eyes as he found JT standing next to the captain's chair. 

'T'hy'la.' He sighed as if finally believing what his mind had been telling him since I reunited them. Although that word holds high esteem in Vulcan culture, I had not heard it said with such reverence before.

'Husband.' JT replied softly, his affection for the other man obvious in his expression. 'You're well?'

'As well as was possible in your absence.' Elder Savid took a step back from his console. In that move, he seemed to regain some of his composure.

Although the captain's actions toward me would suggest otherwise, he was not ignorant of what was happening before him. He motioned to JT and whispered to him. JT nodded. Jim then turned to me. 'Commander, I want you to beam down with JT. Make sure he doesn't get lost trying to find Elder Savid.'

'Yes, Sir.' I said as neutrally as I could while waiting for the elder Kirk and Ensign Chekov to precede me into the turbolift.

JT watched me carefully as we made the trip to the transporter room, but again remained quiet. Once there, he chuckled as he stepped on the pad. 'I'll do my best to stay still, Ensign, if you promise to do your best to get me to the planet in one piece.' He grinned at Chekov.

'Of course, Sir!' Chekov grinned back as I took my place next to the elder Kirk. A minute later, we were standing in the middle of New Shikahr's town square.

I assume JT informed Savid of our location, because we were immediately approached by my elder self, who bowed to me. 'I must thank you for the care you took with my bondmate.'

'I did what was logical.' I replied, allowing a hint of a smile to cross my face. The Elder smiled back softly as he excused them and walked with JT to a corner that was hidden from public view.

Although I knew what they were going to do and say in that corner was not for my eyes, I followed discreetly behind them. I was very curious as to the form their reunion would take. 

What I saw brought me great pain as it simultaneously made me content.

As I had to stand several paces away to avoid their detection, I could not hear what they were saying, but I could see JT form words as he held his hands palm upwards towards Savid.

'Spock, I'm sorry.' Remorse darkened JT's bright eyes as he faced his bondmate.

Elder Savid appeared to not need JT's apology. He shook his head, then gently and with great reverence, he placed his palms under the elder Kirk's hands and folded them between his own. Then, looking into his bondmate's eyes, Savid raised their hands to his lips and kissed their fingertips.

At that point, I looked away, as I had intruded far more than I should have. I felt a weight suddenly appear in my chest. So I walked back the way I had come.

When I returned to the center of the square, I saw the captain talking with Dr. McCoy. They appeared to be in the middle of an intense discussion. I started to approach them, but I stopped when I heard my bondmate say, 'You should have seen Kitan, Bones. I practically had him eating out of my hand.'

At his comment, the weight in my chest became heavier. In an attempt to alleviate it, I turned away from them as well and came here, to the Hall of Science.

I am hopeful, Nyota, that I have sufficiently explained both the reason for the change in our relationship and the reason you have found me on the steps of this building in a state of 'moping'. I am afraid I am having difficulty adjusting to the captain's refusal of the bond. I hope that with time, I can reassert my control over my thoughts.

Do I regret taking a chance on the captain? No, I do not. For I saw something truly awe-inspiring between my elder and his bondmate. It was only logical to assume I could have the same with Jim. But, as the Elder had said to me, love is not logical. 

I fear I had made a mistake quite similar to his. I tried to apply logic to a situation where there is none. I only regret not realizing that sooner. For I created an uncomfortable situation for the captain, and for the rest of you as well.

I thank you for your concern, my friend, but I must seek Surak's teachings to help me through this time. My emotions are controlling me too much. I cannot continue like this, for it will cause further distress for everyone.

I am not certain of my course of action, but I have heard that some Vulcans are attempting to reestablish the Kohlinar discipline in the mountains to the north. I may join them.

Yes, I will make sure to contact you if I resign my commission. For you have been most kind to me. Allow me to thank you for this, and for listening to my narrative. I did not mean to trouble you with it.

I will always count you among my friends, as well. Now, I must take my leave of you. I have to discuss my folly with my father, as my decision will also affect him.

Again, I thank you and I beg your forgiveness.

Live long and prosper, my friend.

\--------------------  
end part 9 and story  
\--------------------


End file.
